Old jokes

General Assemblies past and present have seen protesters for all sorts of causes. David Tornblom has often stood a quiet vigil on behalf of gay and lesbian people. Your Webweaver spotted him today with a sign that must be shared. In case you can't read it in the photo, it says

If Michaelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been painted basic white with a roller.

Mary's First Christmas Letter

A new document discovered in the Middle East provides a whole new perspective on Christmas. Mary said it all in her First Christmas Letter.

[1-15-02]

Zikes! What a year!

Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn (his carpentry projects aren't the only thing made out of wood!). So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what??? I go right into labor. My OB doc said: "Make the trip."

Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special. But it's been a madhouse ever since! First, we can't agree on a name. Joseph likes Emmanuel - I'm holding out for Jesus.

Next, all these shepherds stop by to gawk (as if the smell wasn't bad enough already).

At least those three camel jockeys brought gifts. (But have you ever tried to exchange myrrh without a receipt?) We can't get a good night's sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling.

Well, got to go! Joseph had another one of his goofy visions so I guess we're off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations!

All my love,

Mary

Thanks to Harry Smith

Are you ready for these?? [4-20-01]

A long-time Witherspooner, Bill Knox, has sent a highly selective collection of ten of the World's Best Puns.

If any pun can be Best.

Anyway, check 'em out if you dare. And if you can do better, send your contribution along!

Ok, might as well groan now and get it over with...

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent 10 different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Another pun!!

A Basque General and his troops were trapped in a mountain pass and killed.

The moral of the story is

"Don't put all your Basques in one exit."

Thanks to the Rev. Dr. Tom Blair, of Hendersonville, NC

The joys of language

"I had a college professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." -

Jeff Stilson

/////\\\\\

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Thanks to Friday Funnies!(tm) Copyright 1996-2001 MCPI, LLC and Randy L. Smith. This is a weekly webzine distributed via list server hosted by egroups.com.

Have you ever had trouble with other languages? Here are a few examples of people's struggles with the weirdnesses of English. Click here for "Strange tongues."

(Odd) Signs of the Times
OR:
What Did They Say?

--submitted by Barbara Alexander

At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center."

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says
"Do not throw stones at this sign."

A sign at a roadside rest in Turkey:
"Grill yourself here!"

Friday Funnies!(tm) Copyright 1996-2000 MCPI, LLC and Randy L. Smith. This is a weekly webzine distributed via list server hosted by egroups.com.
http://www.FridayFunnies.net/

What nationality were Adam and Eve?

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

Thanks to Harry Smith

Pastoral Fan Mail from Kids

Dear Pastor,

I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.

Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor,

Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.

Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor,

My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.

Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor,

I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?

Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor,

My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.

Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor,

I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.

Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor,

I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.

Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor,

I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.

Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor,

Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.

Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor,

I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.

Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor,

Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you.

Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor,

My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.

Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor,

Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?

Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor,

Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.

Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor,

I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.

Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor,

How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?

Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

--submitted by ricktrap

With thanks to Randy Smith.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question,
"Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know my love even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.

Abraham decided it was time to upgrade his software. He went out and bought Windows 98 and Office 2000 and began to install it on his computer. Isaac came along and said, "But father, it won't work. Your computer is too old. There is not enough memory." Abraham replied gently, "Do not worry, my son. The Lord will provide the RAM."

THE REAL WORD ON JESUS

You've read all the latest scholarship about the real life of Jesus.
But here's the Truth you've been missing.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH

	He went into his father's business
	He lived at home until he was 33
	He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH

	He never got married
	He was always telling stories
	He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN

	His first name was Jesus
	He was bilingual
	He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN

He talked with his hands

He had wine with every meal

He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK

He called everybody "brother"

He liked Gospel

He couldn't get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN

He never cut his hair

He walked around barefoot

He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN

He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice, when there was no food

He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do