These goodies have come to us from John Jackson
[4-19-10]  

Applicants for jobs at a company are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees. After reviewing the different plans, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question. “Now,” he said, “what do I have to do to collect the money?”

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough.

“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’ ” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

~~~~~~~~~~~

 A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor’s wife.”

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, and asked, “Johnny, what is the matter?” 

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side, I think I’m going to have a wife!”

~~~~~~~~~

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but they have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always clear?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

1. How do you catch a unique rabbit?

            Unique up on it. 

2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?

            Tame way. 

3. How do crazy people go through the forest?

            They take the psychopath. 

4. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?

            Dam. 

5. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?

            A stick. 

6. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

            Nacho cheese. 

7. What do you call Santa’s helpers?

            Subordinate clauses. 

8. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

            Frostbite. 

9. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

            A nervous wreck. 

10. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

            Anyone can roast beef.

11. Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?

            It scares the dog. 

12. Why did the Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?

            They wore their belt buckles on their hats. 

13. What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

 A bad golfer goes Wack, Dang! A bad skydiver goes Dang! Wack.

14. How are a Texas tornado and an Tennessee divorce the same?

            Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.

Admit it – at least one of these made you smile.

 [7-17-09]

An Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The father wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 

Dear Vincent:

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won‘t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. In know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

 Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Pop:

Don’t dig up the garden, that’s where the bodies are buried.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The next day the father received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop: 

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. 

I love you, Vinnie

In the beginning God created good food (like broccoli and all those good things), and the Devil came along and tempted those poor humans with Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme donuts.

* * * * * * 

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?

He answered “Call for backup.”

* * * * * *

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a babysitter.” 

* * * * * * 

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? 

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.” 

* * * * * * 

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, “Johnny, what is the matter” 

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.” 

* * * * * * * 

Two boys were walking home from Sunday School after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?” 

The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.”

* * * * * * *

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll need to go to the toilet.

Law of Gravity

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, and make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. If you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick.

Thanks to Bill Knox!

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

~~~~~~~~~

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to the Rev. Jim Atwood, of Springfield , VA, who forwarded this to us. He is, incidentally, the author of The Leaven of Laughter for Lent and Easter and The Leaven of Laughter for Advent and Christmas, which he says offer “stimulating quotes and humorous stories listed according to the subjects one would deal with in preaching or teaching during those seasons of the church year.” 

Interested in the books?  Just send him a note.

Men Are Just Happier People –

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it!

Try Armor of God PJs!!

Seriously. Some pious and creative soul is offering them for sale.   [8-28-06]

Replying to the Scientists’ Ball invitation

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Volta was electrified at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn’t up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Dr. Jekyll declined – he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
Morse’s reply: "I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now must dash."
Audubon said he’d have to wing it.
Darwin said he’d have to see what evolved.
Descartes said he’d think about it.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

You may have seen these circulating on the web, but if you've missed them, here are some signs the people have found ... well ... interesting, if not instructive.  We're leaving off the comments that are circulating with them, and inviting you to create your own.

Here's the first of them.  Click here for the rest >>

You may well have seen this proposal for a new United States of Blue, but just in case you’ve missed it ...

By the way, the person who forwarded this to me headed it "Calofornia Here We Come." That may bode ill for the whole venture.   [7-15-05]

[3-16-05]

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so she can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Thanks to "Stuart Robertson, aka CrazyHorse"

If you're feeling no too bright, as your WebWeaver sometimes does ("Just sometimes?" you may ask.) Take a look at these quotes, and feel brighter.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

--Dan Quayle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~