By Christian T. Iosso

Originally published in the Journal News (Westchester County, NY), January 9, 2005.
[1-20-05]

When Alberto Gonzales is confirmed as attorney general, I ask that he please send me to Guantanamo Bay to take the place of an "unlawful combatant." It was awkward celebrating the holidays knowing that hundreds still endure indefinite detention and de facto torture by our troops and CIA with Gonzales approving the suspension of their human rights under those "quaint" Geneva Conventions.

By this personal prisoner exchange, at least one would gain God's gift of freedom, and I could regain my moral freedom not to be an "unlawful jailer."

Certainly I worry about those stress positions, but I'm fairly fit and can at least scream in English. As for a few years without family, well, by then my teenagers might want to see me again anyway. My ex should be OK with it. I'll miss the library and newspapers, but I've read a lot already.

As for the solitary confinement, sleep and sensory deprivation, it should give me more prayer time. Why should only Muslims get a chance to show how strong their faith is? It seems only fair that someone claiming to care about torture should experience some, and that an American should see where his tax-and-debt money goes ---- right into the sub-basement of the bottom line.

I don't want Mr. Gonzales to worry that I might miss the sexual humiliation and psychological cruelty shown in the Abu Ghraib photo albums. Though your White House memos don't seem to mention it, those techniques of nudity, dogs, having one's own personal terror-trainer of an interrogator, etc., are described in CIA training manuals going back to 1963. The re-named School of the Americas at Fort Benning used torture manuals into the 1990s to train our client-state militaries in Latin America. God knows how those skills are used today in Colombia and Haiti.

So I should have a good chance of having a "shadowy contractor" put me through those torture-lite protocols Mr. Gonzales approved, and perhaps have a U.S. medical doctor patch me up. I only ask that Mr. Gonzales not let them dope me up too much because I want to ask our troops how their Christian and Jewish beliefs allow them to do those interrogations. I know he's keeping a lot of information secret, but from the torture memos made public, it doesn't seem that Mr. Gonzales, Don Rumsfeld, Condi Rice and the president spend much time remembering that Jesus of Nazareth was a torture victim. But maybe the folks who actually get blood on their hands can justify what those at the top have been telling them to do.

Being hooded in Gitmo could also save me from seeing any inauguration excesses. Even self-deifying Roman emperors sometimes released prisoners to show their graciousness. It seems tortured reasoning that long-term detainees have any intelligence left to share, and bad witness to keep jailing them, even if they are Muslim fundamentalists. Wouldn't a truly Christian presidential inauguration free prisoners and help the poor? But maybe the good donors and winning corporations need to celebrate their freedom first.

From the administration's refusal to accept jurisdiction of the International Court of Justice, Mr. Gonzales may believe that the United States should not be accountable to anyone, except perhaps God. That's why I'm not volunteering for a domestic American prison, though God knows they need to be kept stocked with prisoners too. But new Supreme Court justices can probably be trusted to protect that pipeline. I was worried that unless we invaded another country or two, we might run low on "unlawful combatants," but Iraq's "catastrophic success" should keep detainees flowing faster than borrowed oil.

I want Mr. Gonzales to know I'm not trying to be a martyr. A real Christian, who believed in grace and repentance rather than collective punishment, would make a braver proposal: that our interrogators find (or create) a real terrorist to release, with an agreement that if he kills anybody while enjoying his freedom, you could kill me in his place. Again, maybe collateral damage already punishes the innocent indirectly, but a braver me would waive a real trial and just have some military guys give me a secret hearing. Again, maybe we already do that, but a real Christian might even trust the empathy of a freed Muslim terrorist ---- if he had any moral values at all.

I hope Mr. Gonzales can give me the gift of imprisonment in this new year. Feeling guilt is so "quaint" anyway and irony so pre-9/11. God bless (only) America!

The writer is pastor of the Scarborough Presbyterian Church in Briarcliff Manor, NY.